The idea of worshopping someone who looks frightful and menacing atleast to an untrained eye like mine never occured to me.
For a while, my devotional rhythms involved sidestepping the mother and worshipping the rest. I’ve had managed to sidestep delving into mother kali, while still managing to read and meditate about Shri Ramakrishna Paramahamsa, Shri Sharada mata and Swami vivekananda.
While I was in the temple, I had a routine of quickly prostrating before the idol of the mother without glancing at her fully and then moving towards the idols of more cheerful and pleasant looking gods and goddesses. The idol of kali, adorned with human skulls hanging on her neck, her hair left astray and her tongue sticking out and dripping with blood and standing on top of a seemingly helpless shiva looked menacing and something that my fragile and ritualistic mind couldn’t fathom. I was afraid that if I paid more attention, my superstitious mind would think of something offensive and I would be punished.
For most part of my life, I had a don’t ask-don’t tell relationship with Mother Kali. I thought of mother being worshipped only by tantrics and perhaps people with tamas intent. I conveniently skipped the portion of the Shri-Ramakrishna Paramahamsa portion, attributing it to the master’s experimentation with multiple religions and forms of worship, that simpleton’s like me cannot possibly achieve.
But then, divine mother’s play is intricate and mystical. And so, it was bound to happen, it happened at a time, when life was going topsy-turvy and the purpose of work seemed meaningless. Destiny seemed cruel towards me and i lost my mental peace. Going to a temple meant only to appease the gods and wait for the good times. I was afraid that if i didn’t go to the temple, the gods would take away even the little shreds of happiness I had. And in one of these temple visits, i happened to stay a bit more at the mother’s idol.
The blood dripping skulls and the anger in the eyes of the mother appeased my subconscious anger within me at that time. I mentally envisioned the devi destroying me with the trident that she was holding so ominously in her hand. “I’m mahishasura!”, I exclaimed and I imagined the trident piercing my selfishness and the arrogance that has so much taken over my heart.
And then slowly things changed. The destruction that I imagined when I was prostrating in front of the mother was replaced with a child-like confession. I confessed to mother about my insecurities, my feelings and my complaints. I could feel the statue listening attentively to me like a mother.
I did the fasting of nine days during the nav rathri and it was a glorious time. I chanted mother’s name and I did the fasting for the whole nine day period, with some difficulty and overcoming some temptations.
Since then, visiting mother’s mandir on tuesday’s and fasting on tuesday’s became a regular thing for me. Also, doing the navrathri fasting, that I eagerly look forward to.
I talk to the mother, I try to remain in silence and I try to simply gaze at her. Her divine love is so overflowing and at times, i get a glimpse of that and most of the times, I’m trying to make my monkey mind stay steady and look at her.
I bought a statue of mother for my mandir at home and I worship her daily. I don’t see the skulls, I don’t see the blood and I don’t see the hapless shiva beneath her legs. Actually, I do see the shiva, but in a state of bliss and meditative state.
After three years,I’ve retained my child like demeanor to the mother. And why, not? She is after-all my mother!
