If I have to describe my grand mother, i have to use simple words, keep the story straight forward and absolutely not use any embellishments whatsoever. I don’t think she would appreciate me even writing about her, but this blog is not an attempt at pleasing her or currying up favors from her, but a truthful exercise on my part to continue to keep remembering my roots and my origins and to chisel the thought into my brain that: Quietness and Stillness can also be a hallmark of greatness, and that such greatness need not be acknowledged by the world, but from within and more importantly from the people who one is surrounded with.
During my childhood days, I remember being scared of ammamma (a telugu word for grand mother). My sister and I used to run away and hide under the bed, when she arrived. I don’t remember my grand mother telling me any stories or fables nor did she really show any adulation towards me for being the eldest grand child in the family. She is a strong proponent of gender equality and has never shown any bias for a male grand child. Its a radical and forward thinking view among the women of her generation. She has encouraged education and career to all her grand daughters and has not pressurized anyone to sacrifice either of these in pursuit of a familial life. Even in of my more recent conversations, I tried pulling her leg saying that the Gutala generation is going to end with me, since I don’t have a son and she immediately responded back, saying “So what? There is no loss to humanity due to that”.
My ammamma didn’t have much of a formal education. Her father, who had kids at a late age, got them married at a very young age to ensure the family doesn't suffer, in case something happened to him. I don’t know much about her academic prowess, but she was quite a courageous lady, who once navigated fearlessly the roads of then Madras (and now chennai) to get medical help for her ailing brother. She was perhaps seven or eight then.
I don’t think she has any formal training or affinity in arts or other pursuits. I know her sisters excelled at music and writing. But, I never saw any regret in ammamma about not having such talents nor the training. In fact, she never showed any jealousy towards others, when they did better than her, nor did she show any insecurity when she was doing better than the rest. I don’t recollect hearing the word “regret” or “disappointment” in her vocabulary. Even when people were being unreasonably rude to her despite getting many favors from her, she never responded in bitterness nor anger. She would just accept that as a matter of fact and move on. She was not naive, but she wouldn’t scheme nor indulge in vengeful activities towards them.
She put forward her views in a straightforward fashion. I heard a story of how she went to the bus station back in those days to stop her dad from going on a dangerous piligrimage and admonished his friend for encouraging him on such a reckless endeavor, when her father had so many family responsibilities. Ammamma never liked extremities. She also chided me at times, when she thought I was overdoing the temple hopping and spiritual exercises (or at least gave that impression to outside world) and asked me to maintain a balance. Discipline is her favorite word and I have heard that word, quite a few times to goad me to maintain an orderly life and to have a balanced outlook.
I had good times at my grand mother’s place, when I was young. I didn’t interact with her much, but her house was a big railway quarters with a humongous backyard and frontyard. We enjoyed ourselves thoroughly with other kids and cousins, who would also be vacationing there. My ammamma’s big house naturally attracted a lot of relatives and she was fully immersed in raising five daughters and catering to guests who invariably came one after the other. I see that my ammamma and tatayya are the eternal hosts. Even till date, they have visitors (like me) coming in throughout the year and I don’t think they have stayed over a month in anyone else’s house.
The bonding between us began when my sister and I went on a trip with my grand parents to their native place. My grand father, being of jovial nature, shared a lot about his life in that small village, his upbringing, his struggles in a middle class family for his education and his life in working at remote places in those pre-instagram and pre-whatsapp days. My grand mother, who is usually silent, also opened up about her life, talked about her experiences at getting married in a very early age, her life living in huge railyway quarters in remote places with unfamiliar languages. In her usual style, she spoke them as a matter of fact, with neither complain nor a sense of pride being discernible in her tone. How does she do it? How can descibe events in their life with such a sense of detachment? I can embellish calling it with fancy words like “karma yoga”, “nishkama karma”, but its not what she would want.
The relationship that started from that trip grew very well since then. I spent sometime at my grand mother’s place when i was joining a residential college during my 11th and 12th standard, but that didn’t end well for me, as I backed out of the residential college. My grand parents motivated me to persist, but I couldn’t. They didn’t say a single demeaning word about that incident. They joked about that, they pulled my leg, but never did they say a single hurtful word about that incident. Some tough times followed for me after that and luckily I got admitted into engineering.
I stayed with my ammamma for a few months before joining the engineering college. I honestly believe that my grand parents really shaped me to who I’m during those days. They didn’t just let me go indulge myself, but trained me (as I would like to believe) for the future. My ammamma encouraged me to do daily chores like dusting the furniture, my tatayya taught me how to iron my clothes and they enrolled me in computer training and type writing classes so that I’m a bit ahead when the college semester starts. I remember my ammamma, admonishing me when I used to get up late, saying “sun has risen and those who sleep after that end up in misery” and my tatayya pushing me to go for morning walks with him, that involved jovial conversations about his life, his career and anything else that we were in the mood to talk about.
Neatness is the second most used word by ammamma towards me. I’m not a person who worries about cleanliness and to have things in order. Ammamma would admonish me for not being neat, for throwing things haphazardly and above all for not maintaining a clean shaven look. I had silly superstitions about not shaving on Tuesdays or Saturdays and she just didn't like that. She would ask me to shave regularly and to be well dressed, but I persisted during those days.
We had good times as well. Our daily routine consisted of playing cards. We played games like Turf(Trump card), thirteen cards (Rummy). Watching ammamma play was fun. She played the game in her own way, while tatayya and I indulged in all the tricks of the book. She would once in a while comment that, “I don’t play these tricks that tatayya resorts to” and she generally didn’t bother about losing. My grand father played it like a great gambler and I, in the fear of being left behind, played it in my own competitive spirit. She never really bothered about these, except for once or twice, where she would just fold the cards and say, “this is not a fair game”. My grand father would laugh and I would join in as well to placate her.
My grand mother taught me cooking. Her cooking is efficient and she runs a tight kitchen. She doesn’t like inefficiency or slowness in the kitchen and she usually doesn’t like others running around in her kitchen. I got some good remarks from my ammamma for my vegetable cutting skills, that I was proud of. Before I left for US, she taught me how to cook simple stuff like dal, curry and rice. In my shopping for US, ammamma took me to the various kitchen appliance shops in Secunderabad and bought the necessary items for me to start my life in US. It also included a certain recipe cookbook, that I used to good effect in my first year in US.
If we are talking about kitchen, we need to talk about the famous “madi”. Ammama is used to being in madi (a ritual of doing pooja where others shouldnt touch you during that time) and she gets annoyed when someone tries to get near her. This was my favorite way of teasing her during those days, when I would pretend to go near her and touch her. In one incident, I overdid it (not sure whether I did it wantedly or not) and as a result, I got a tight slap on the back. I retorted back by saying, “Do you know that you are lifting your hand on an engineering student?” and she responded, “ So what? If you do silly things, you will get it even later”. I feel proud and privileged that my grand mother taught me my place at that moment. Its a moment that I will not forget and I may try to recreate that moment again to feel that connection and that bonding with my dear ammamma, some time. I’m never too old to be admonished by my grand mother.
My ammamma never told me that she loved me. Her love is demonstrated in a quiet fashion. Cooking is one of the ways she demonstrates it. I tease my grand father till date about the “bajji episodes”. My grand father once remarked that he loves bajji’s and since then, she made those on every birthday of his. I have fun, joking with my grand father about this. To me, she makes my favorite items, which are “spinach-dal and peanut chutney”. She will ensure that they are ready to be served on day one of my visit. And to my younger brother, its about bitter gourd curry and tamarind rice. All of these are done and put on the plate with no words or superflous expressions. Even till date, she is the first one to be in the kitchen, making hot coffee and serving me, no matter, what ungoldy hour I land at.
After I decided to write my GRE and pursue MS, My grand parents helped me in materializing that. They accompanied me (or rather took care of everything) for my passport application, all the paperwork related to my visa, my funding related endeavors and my shopping for USA. My shopping was a big deal, since it involved buying a lot of things starting with the suit cases to all the items that go into it, like kitchen utensils, clothes and shoes. It was all done by my grand parents. Ammamma is quite an expert and amazingly fast at getting these things done. She also taught me how to pack my suit case effectively and that was something that proved quite useful to me in a lot of trips.
Ever since I moved to US, I made a few visits to India and each time, I got to spend my lion’s share of the vacation at their house. It is a conscious choice on my part. My heart yearns to spend more time with them and somehow recreate the good, old days.
I wanted to pamper my grand mother with expensive gifts, but she never encouraged them. Buying a gift for ammamma is a pain, because its hard to figure out what she likes. I ended up buying some sovuneirs from all the places I happen to be at and one time, I ended up buying sugar free chocolates for her. The closest I have come to pamper her was buying her some sarees, which would be brought home by the shop-keeper and she would select a few of those and wear them promptly the next day. She wouldn’t remark much, but she wears them and thats the acknowledgement of the gift.I would complain saying that, she should buy some nice gold jewelry or fancy saris but she prefers the gesture and not the dollar cost associated with the gift.
I love my ammamma for her simplicity, for her transparency and for her humbleness. She has never been the one who has yearned for limelight nor for adulation and has always been content in working behind the scenes and helping others to the best of her capacity. She is an inspiration to me because of that.
Love you my beautiful, my loving and my adorable ammamma!!!
